No day but today

I watched the movie Rent for the first time in a few years last weekend. Ever since then I've had songs and bits of the show running through my mind. Not complaining one single bit. I adore that show and its music and its message. (If you only know Rent by Seasons of Love, you're missing out.) Rent is also packed full of incredible talent. I believe the stage version came before the movie, and these people are phenomenal. Musicians first, actors second. Not like the Les Mis movie that came out a few years ago-actors first, musicians second (if you're lucky). Ugh. Les Mis is one of my favorite musicals and I think that movie did it a huge disservice. But, I won't go into that rant here. Generally I really like musicals, but only six have made it to my highly exclusive list of favorites. Rent's on that list as well, so now you know two of the six. Maybe one day I'll explain that list, but I digress.

To me, Rent screams acceptance of everyone, regardless of their outward appearances, sexual preference, past mistakes or experiences. This is something I wish we had more of as a people. I've run into too many people who judge an individual based on what they see before they even get to know them. And it drives me nuts. You know what? Those people with piercings, tattoos, and/or crazy hair are some of the nicest and most accepting people you will ever meet; at least in my experience. The ways they've chosen to express themselves outwardly does not make them bad people or freaks. Let's look at the characters in Rent: we've got a lesbian couple, two straight guys, a straight girl who works at a strip club for a living, a drag queen, and another gay guy who ends up in a relationship with said drag queen. A few of them have AIDS. One is fighting a drug addiction. Are any of them bad people? No. Heck, one of the cutest love songs I've ever heard is in Rent, and it's sung by two men. All these people come together and form their own version of a family and accept each other despite their pasts and flaws. How I wish more people did this. How quick we are to judge and condemn a person based on one little detail about them, ignoring all else. Folks, when we do that, we are missing out on some amazing relationships.

I'm not trying to be preachy, so I apologize if I'm coming off that way. This is just something I'm very passionate about. Just please, let's try to be a little more accepting and loving of everyone. Many people are fighting demons we know nothing about. Take a moment to get to know someone a little more and your life will become so much richer.

I wanted to post one of the songs from the musical to show how wonderfully brilliant it is, but it is so hard to choose! Ultimately, I decided to showcase a very simple one. Background to the song is that the people in the circle singing have AIDS and are at an AIDS support group. Musically, it is so simple. It's just a round. Four lines. Yet it gets me teary every time. That right there speaks for how powerful the rest of the songs in the show are.

And, since I don't want to leave things on a somewhat sad note, (haha pun) here's Seasons of Love. (Check out the crazy high note at 2:55!!)

Divergent, Insurgent, Urgent...Detergent?

Earlier today, I saw something from someone who said they didn't like the new Avengers movie. This is the first negative response to the movie I have seen. To this person, it was more of the same. This got me thinking and the gears in my head turning. Obviously, it shares many things with the first Avengers movie, but that's to be expected--Age of Ultron is a sequel. The trend that I'm seeing way too much of (in my opinion) in movies is the post apocalyptic end of days type movies. Movies where a supreme force, usually the government, is trying to create a utopia and suppresses everyone--except for our heroic main character. Our main character does not fall prey to these collectivist ideas and ultimately breaks down the corrupt leadership. The message is always the same. Break away from the mindless crowd and fight the oppression of authority. I'm not saying these movies are bad, I've enjoyed some of them, however it is getting old. So the question I'm always asking myself is why? Why are these movies doing so well? Why do we seem to respond so well to them?
I have a few different ideas floating in my head as to why this is the case right now. Firstly and simply, Hollywood is out of ideas. They're remaking almost anything they can think of (we're on round 3 of Spiderman movies for crap's sake) for lack of new fresh ideas. And these movies have done well, so might as well try to get as much money out of the idea as they can.
Or, we as a population are fed up with the government and those in authority. I can't speak for everyone, and I'm definitely not trying to, but there does seem to be an increase in these attitudes. We see a lot of examples of this through the media, and I don't feel the need to rehash them here.
Running along the same path of our frustration with authority is the inner desire to rebel and fight back. But we've all been taught that if you fight against government and laws, you often end up in jail and possibly even killed depending on the severity of your offense. That's where these movies come in. The main characters in these movies go against rules and laws and don't get punished. In fact, usually the opposite happens. They are praised and given anything their hearts could desire and the world is healed and wonderful again. We can live vicariously through characters like Triss Prior (Divergent) and Jonas (The Giver). Quick side note-I know The Giver has been a book long long before it was made into a movie, and long before the Divergent series was written, it's just an example that came to mind quickly. We can feel like our desires have been fulfilled without doing anything that may get us into sticky situations. And who doesn't like to see good prevailing over evil? Even I do, even though I do love me a good villain. More on that in another post. And it's uplifting to see the "power of one" put into action. Oftentimes we can feel as though just one person could never make a difference in this world and it can be nice to see those feelings proven wrong.
Not to mention these movies tend to have a very strong sense of individuality, and we are all looking for something to set us apart from the pack. Whether it's a talent, a tattoo, a piercing, hair color, or different way of performing a common task. We all want to be seen as different from the crowd, yet not so different that we are no longer part of the crowd. The crowd is comfort. Assuming those in the crowd share generally the same thoughts and feelings as you do. And in these movies, the crowd has become so enmeshed that individuality becomes virtually non existent. Eventually that one person pushes back and we get a blockbuster. That one person shows us it's okay to be different and not be afraid to entirely be ourselves because in the end, it is what will save the world. The similarities between these types of movies and superhero movies is not lost on me, I know I mentioned The Avengers at the beginning of this post. But I'm not going to dive into those now, maybe in a later post. Until then, hopefully I got you thinking just a little bit. :)          

Rant

Alright, there's something that I've got to say. I am so sick of those who have kids complaining about their kids. Now I know that not every parent does this, but those that do, SHUT UP. Look around you. Realize that maybe there are those close to you who would give anything to have what you do. Don't whine that you can't go see the movies you want to. Don't tell me you really really want a little girl while ignoring your beautiful boy, or vice versa. Don't tell me you're so sick of being pregnant, or whine that you feel like a whale. You know what?? I would have died to be in your situations. And I am not lying or exaggerating. The physical risks to me were very real, but I didn't care if I could just get our sweet Peach here. And that still didn't happen. I have a pile of unused baby clothes in a closet that I can hardly look at without getting teary, but oh I'm so sorry your child is keeping you from going out with friends. SHOVE IT, AND JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE THE BLESSING OF CHILDREN. It is so incredibly insulting and offensive to listen to you gripe about the one thing I want more than anything in the world and was denied. You have absolutely no sympathy from me.

I don't know why we as humans seem to have this fascination with and desire to only focus on the negative. But it is incredibly tiring. I know I'm guilty of this myself from time to time, but it doesn't change the fact that it's very draining. Instead of complaining about entirely first world problems, stop and look around and see the good things you do have. I know it's cliché, but for real, there are people out there who would give anything to have what you take for granted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go snap some pencils.

Motivation

Running 

A lot of the time, that word invokes unpleasant feelings for people. Memories of high school gym class and the dreaded mile run, feelings of breathlessness and exhaustion, and feeling completely blobbish instead of healthy-and running is supposed to help you feel healthy! I am definitely included in this group that groans when thinking of running. So why bother even going?
Personally, I've wanted to like running for years, but I've never really worked to actually achieve that goal. I've always envied those who go for runs to clear their minds and actually enjoy it. The summer before I got married, a friend and I did Jillian Michaels DVDs pretty religiously. And while those whipped our butts, running is so much more intense. For real, I would almost rather do burpees. Actually, no, probably not. Those are awful. Effective, but awful. Like running!!

I guess a fairly obvious reason to get out and run, and one that many people use, is to lose weight. And while that would be nice, that isn't my main motivator to get moving. I admit I'm not too pleased with my post baby body, but most everyone tells me I've lost the baby weight, so I guess I'm the only one who really sees the differences. Either way, I'm not letting it consume my mind as the ultimate goal of running. I feel like if I do, I'll be setting myself up to be disappointed. Sure, it would be amazing to look like those long and lean women, but I just don't think that will ever happen for me. And I'm not making excuses here. I'm simply saying I don't think I have the genes to get that body type. And guess what? I'm okay with that. By now you're probably really wondering if I'm actually going to answer my question of why run. Here are my reasons: (And full disclosure, this post is mostly for me to refer to when I lack motivation)  

• For my future babies. This is my main motivator. I want to be healthier for better pregnancies, and to be an example to my little ones.
• That glorious warm shower or bath afterwards
• To eventually learn to like it. I'm determined, dang it!
• To look better in my workout clothes
• To not feel guilty about that extra brownie
• To keep up with Husband
• To not feel self conscious buying workout clothes
• To have a natural anti-depressant
• To be proud of myself

While I'd like to have a longer list, this is where I'm starting out. And while this list is mainly for me, if it helps anyone else who may be reading and struggling with motivation, great!!  

Through hell and back

Well, I'm back. I'm not going to give all the details of where I've been on here for the entire world to read at leisure and judge. I will say that I miscarried and lost our first sweet daughter at 22 weeks gestation in early February. I still get a very real pain in my chest as I read and reread that sentence. If you want more details than that, ask me personally. I'm happy to share privately. If anything I've learned from this horrid experience can help someone else, I am more than happy to do so. But now I find myself in the all too familiar predicament of what I am to do with my life. Everyone has been telling me to take this time to take care of myself, and do whatever I want. Well, that's just it. I don't know what I want to do. At this moment I do know I would like to send out some thank yous:

Thank you to all our family and friends who have been incredibly supportive through this ordeal. It really means the world to us.

Thank you Dr. C for absolutely everything. I didn't think I'd get to have you back, but I did. And I am tremendously grateful for that.

Thank you to all my amazing nurses. You all are incredible women.

Thank you Billy Idol for your recent single, Can't Break Me Down. It's been my power song lately to remind myself that I can do this. (Judge away....)

Thank you Disneyland for being our reset button vacation spot.

I'm sure that I've forgotten someone or something, my apologies. Throughout the past few months, I've been told time and time again that I am a strong woman. I'm doing my best to remind myself of that and focus on my inner strength. And I guess ultimately, that's what I want to do with my life. For others, not necessarily myself. I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. There are lots of different options out there. For now, I guess I'll use this blog.  

What I've learned from having a high risk pregnancy

Yes, it's true. This pregnancy is now considered high risk. Something I never expected to have to face, but I'm doing my best to navigate this completely new territory. In the process, I've learned a few things:

• When your doctor first says the phrase "high risk", a siren will sound in your head.
• You're going to go to the doctor A LOT. I will have seen a doctor every week this month by the end of Friday. 
• Those routine pregnancy tests you once worried about (ie the dreaded glucose test) will fall to the back burner of your mind.
• People will tell you to focus on taking care of yourself and the baby. This will feel weird. Really weird and slightly selfish at times.
• You'll quit your job in order to try to do this and you'll feel really conflicted about it.
• Some people will treat you like you're very fragile. Some people will act as if nothing about this pregnancy is different from a normal one. Whether or not either of these is intentional, I can't be sure.
• Having an MRI isn't as bad as you may have thought, but it's not something you'll want to do again. 
•  People will come out of the woodwork and continually amaze you with their support.
• There will be days when you're excited and feel everything will turn out beautifully. There will also be days when you're scared out of your mind.
• It will be a big challenge to decide who to tell what, if anything, about this journey. You'll want to talk, and yet at the same time, you'll want to be alone and distract yourself.
• You'll do everything in your power to make sure this little baby makes it into the world safely. 

A letter to my (former) OB

Dr. C,
Maybe it's weird for me to be doing this, maybe it happens more than I realize. But it doesn't matter. I want to say thank you.
Perhaps you don't remember me simply by hearing my name. I was the first time mom who got the news that her little daughter has something called a sacrococcygeal teratoma last week. I was the redhead who was vivacious and happy when you entered the room, and soon became very quiet and somber as you sat next to her and told her the news. I was the one who sat stunned faced while her husband asked loads of questions. You could probably tell I was in a state of shock. You could probably see the tears burning behind my eyes, wishing to fall. But I wouldn't let them, you didn't need that in your day. I know you've probably given many new moms diagnoses much worse than mine. I know it wasn't easy for you to burst our bubble, and I didn't want to make you feel worse by having to see my tears. Thank you for the way you did approach the situation, and your concern for me, my husband, and our baby. That concern was obvious from my first appointment.
 You smiled at me in the hall that first day, probably unaware that I was going to be your patient. When my husband told you I have a phobia of needles and your response was "Bless your heart!" instead of the snarky "Well, you'd better get used to them!" that I expected, I was surprised. When you came back to give me the standard pregnancy do's and don'ts during my blood draw in an attempt to distract me, I was surprised yet again. But it became clear to me very quickly that you saw me as a whole person, not just a patient. I had gotten used to the way you like to do things, and I felt so comfortable in your care.
Now here I am with an appointment to see a specialist you referred me to tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure this person will be competent and tell us the things you couldn't. I've been reassured plenty of times that they will be understanding and helpful and the best option for bringing our little girl into the world safely. And all that is probably true. But it won't be the same. I had complete faith and trust in you being the one to help our daughter come into this world. I was willing to have you see things that most people I care about shouldn't see. And now it won't be you. I can only hope I'll like this new specialist and they'll make me feel as comfortable as you did. Thank you for everything. I don't want to replace you, but I guess I have to. This letter isn't conveying my feelings adequately, but I'll just end it here. I'm truly grateful for the influence you've had on my first pregnancy. Thank you for making things easier and calming my nerves. I hope I can find another OB when the time comes who treats me as well as you have.