This sucks

I need to rant. Slash whine. My OB gave me a prescription for Clomid at the end of last month. At first I was hesitant but I'm so sick of trying and getting nowhere so I gave it a go. And it frickin sucks. I felt fairly normal when I was actually taking the pills, but now that it's been about two weeks since I took the cycle of pills, I hate it. I feel pregnant, which makes absolutely no sense. I'm not due for my period until the end of next week, so it's way too early to speculate. And my face refuses to clear up, in fact, I woke up to it looking worse this morning. My first thought was maybe my hormones are out of whack for a good reason, but then I realized probably not as I always break out about a week before my period. And since it's Wednesday, it's not as early as I originally thought. What is the point of taking these awful pills that screw with my mind if I'm just going to get a big fat red stain on my birthday?! Honestly. Universe, just stop messing with me. I don't have the emotional stamina for this for much longer. I just don't. If I'd known all this was going to happen, I could have gotten a head start on my masters. But no....
And you know what doesn't help? What isn't at all comforting? Those couples who tried for 5-6+ years before they finally got pregnant. Do you have any idea how disheartening that is??? No, of course you don't. How could you? And sure...their trial went on way longer than mine...you know what? I don't care!! Because the fact of the matter is, I heard my daughter's heartbeat. She had a body. I felt her move inside me. SHE WAS HERE. And then left. So now I'm stuck trying to bring her back, with little to no help from the stars. I'm sick of this. I could have been a therapist by now. I could have made something more of myself. Instead, I'm sitting at home teaching myself how to be a housewife to a husband and cat. Because I can't start any big projects for fear of having to put them on hold at some point. And don't say it'll happen when it's supposed to or my time will come. Those are honestly THE LEAST helpful things to hear. Just let me scream and cry.  

Owner of a Lonely Heart

I thought that maybe if I just pulled up an open post and started typing, I'd come up with something worth posting. January is an ugly month, if you ask me. People start the month with great ideas and goals, only to end up falling short a good chunk of the time. I do realize this isn't the case with everyone, but around mid-January, you can see enthusiasm waning. Not to mention the snow now becomes an ugly snow. It's not the pretty pure white that falls around Christmas. The snow on the ground is now old and dirty. Plus there's just something about the first month of the year that seems to make it drag. It's as if the world is struggling to gain the momentum it needs for the rest of the year.

So I'm glad it's February. Psychologically, February feels better-at least it does to me. Plus it's my birthday month. I guess the roundabout point of those musings was to say that January was uneventful for me. Yikes, I feel like I'm rambling....Oh, here came an idea!

This past weekend Husband and I went to the ice castles in Midway with a friend of his and a date. The ice castles are somewhere I've been curious about ever since I first heard about/saw pictures of them. I don't know how they do it, but it's a winter only attraction. It's also where the Piano Guys shot their Let It Go video.

(While I don't love Frozen as much as everyone else seems to, I do think it's a cute movie. And how amazing are these guys?! I love them.)

Anywho, I was under the impression that they were completely enclosed. In reality, it's more like a series of little tunnels you can walk/crawl through made of ice. There were tons of kids running around having a grand old time. It was a fun experience, but I don't know if I'd make it a tradition-maybe after we have kids of our own. I also feel like a weirdo saying it was cool, because, well....ice. But it was good to get out of the house and into nature in a unique way.

Scream

For Christmas, my sister gave me this book:

It was a total surprise, I'd never even heard of this book before then. And I have to say, it is one of my new favorites. I LOVED it. Margee Kerr has my dream job. She has a PhD in sociology (not my dream) and works at a haunted house analyzing what scares people, how they react to different types of scares, and how to make the haunt better. How rad is that?! I can't even remember how many times I've said that if a job like that exists I want it. But you know, I think it's a safe observation to make that once you get a PhD, you can do whatever the heck you want. And a PhD has never interested me. I've always said if I'm going to go to school for that long, I might as well go to medical school. Every now and then I have to remind myself that I gave up the nursing route for a reason. And that the closest PA program to me has an acceptance rate of 3%. Sigh.

Anyway! This book was amazing. She talks about different experiences she had while writing Scream, such as ghost hunting at Eastern State Penitentiary and the CN Tower EdgeWalk. She talks about the psychology of fear, and different types of haunts around the world. As a psychology and Halloween/fear junkie, I devoured this book. I can't say enough good about it, but I don't want to simply give an overview of everything Kerr touches on. That's no fun. I'll just say this: if you have ANY interest at all in psychology, or just love Halloween and being scared, read it!!!

(Here's a link to buy it on Amazon if you feel so inclined.)

Happy place

Somewhere in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I planned an impromptu trip to Disneyland with my in-laws. I don't remember exactly how it all came up, but within the course of maybe 20 minutes we had decided that the four of us were going this spring. When Husband and I went last year, it was his first time going so it was really important to me to get to share my favorite things about Disneyland with him. There's a chance this trip may be the first for my father in law, I'm not sure. So again I really want to be able to share my favorites with the important people in my life. And while simply posting them here isn't the same as actually experiencing them, this is the best I can do right now.
The trip has been on my mind lately as I've been trying to find out if these rides will be closed when we're there or not. Unfortunately, 95% of the information I've been able to find is about what will be closed as they start work on Star Wars Land. None of the rides effected are on my list so I'm not too broken up about them being closed. While it stinks that the railroad will be closed, as it's a great way to get across the park and rest your feet, we'll make it work. Anyway, I can't find information about the standard closures and refurbishments that usually take place throughout the year. Disneyland doesn't post a schedule of when they will work on rides, so the only way to judge this information is to look and see when they have closed things in the past. But I can't even find that information! Things were fine for us last year so it'll probably be fine again, but you never know for sure. And it's stressing me slightly.
Now that I've gotten that out, I'll actually post what my favorites are! There's only three, as I'm only talking rides here. (I could go on and on about food and just the atmosphere itself at Disney, but I won't.)

Pirates of Caribbean

(None of these pictures are my own, as it's virtually impossible to get decent pictures inside dark rides using just your phone.) This is probably my favorite scene in the ride. It was referenced in the first Pirates movie, but I don't know how many people actually picked up on it. I've also always wanted to eat at the restaurant inside the ride, the Blue Bayou. For those who may be unfamiliar, it is right where you enter and exit the boats. It is kind of expensive though. Maybe this year....who knows. 

Haunted Mansion

Madame Leota may be my favorite part of the Haunted Mansion, I don't know. I think the Hatbox Ghost is a great prop, but I've never actually seen him in action. Supposedly they've brought him back so I'm hoping I'll get to see him this go around. I remember going to Disney with my mom probably about 10 years ago (yikes!) in October and the holiday overlay of Nightmare Before Christmas was up instead of the traditional ride. My mom was so mad...since the last time I'd been before that was when I was just little, I didn't remember what the original ride was like so I didn't understand why she was so upset. Now I do. This ride is a classic. I've tried to like Nightmare Before Christmas because I love Tim Burton, but I just can't do it. Sorry.

Indiana Jones

Yes, this one is really bumpy and could probably stand an update, but I just think it's fun. I mean who doesn't love Indiana Jones? "Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones! No time for love!" Haha. That's not in the ride, but I still think it's a good one. 

And there you have it! My three favorite rides at Disneyland. I'm so excited to be going back to my happy place. Cross your fingers that they'll all be up and running for us!

2015 Favorites

I feel like I've started so many posts talking about how terrible I am at blogging and how I resolve to be better about it, and then not much changes. So in all honesty, I have no glorious excuse. The holidays have come and gone-well, except for New Years-but close enough. I can't say those kept me from blogging any more than regular chores like laundry and grocery shopping. I do have ideas for different posts floating around in my head. Why don't I just sit down and write them one of these days? I don't know. Probably because they're fairly nebulous at this point. But as this is the time of year for resolutions and bettering oneself, I really am going to try to be better about this blogging thing and write those posts I keep meaning to.
I don't want this to just be a post where I list my goals for the new year. Personally I think that would be pretty boring to write. And read. So...I'm not going to! Ha! Since 2015 was easily the worst year of my life, I'm happy to see it go and hopeful for what 2016 could bring. But as I've mentioned in another post, I don't want to dwell on the negative. So I'm going to post a few of my favorite things that did happen in 2015. (And if anyone starts singing My Favorite Things from Sound of Music, so help me, I will punch you. I LOATHE that musical.)

2015 Favorites:

(in no particular order)

Disneyland

Watson

My witch themed murder mystery party for Halloween

Comic Con

Star Wars

Paint Nite

I know there are others, but these are what I had pictures for and came to mind fairly quickly. So sayonara 2015, you kicked my butt, and also had some good times. I'm anxious to see what good is coming my way in 2016.

Hollow Moon

In my continued efforts to be transparent with my own journey with depression, I write this. Again I find myself hesitating, but my hope is reading about what I'm going through will help someone else. So here we go...
Originally when I went off the antidepressants, I really did feel great. I think part of it was the fact that I felt better about handling things on my own. I felt more in control of my feelings and my mind. But slowly, the pain came back. At first I didn't even recognize it for what it was, or that I really had slipped back down. The haunting thought kept coming to me that maybe I gave up on the medications too soon. The PA wanted to give me one more prescription-one that would work on dopamine, rather than serotonin. Clearly messing with serotonin was not the way to go for me. But I was scared. I was scared to mess with a different neurotransmitter. So I said I was ready to handle things on my own because I didn't want to find out what weird side effects could come. Messing with the chemicals in your brain is kind of a big deal. And I think deep down I knew this, but didn't want to admit it to myself.
So I started to look for different ailments that could explain why I felt crappy. In hindsight, I was rather messed up. But it was, and still is, extremely hard for me to admit when I need help. With the background I have, I know there's nothing to be ashamed of in needing antidepressants, but the proud part of me is one tough cookie to break. I know they can do a lot of good and help thousands of people but again, I was scared to let them work on me.
Eventually, though, I admitted defeat and landed in the PA's office yet again. He seemed almost as if he was enjoying me explaining my struggles. When I pointed this out to him, his response surprised me a bit. He said it was good to see me coming to terms with and accepting things. (At that moment I didn't realize that's what I was doing.) He said I was a tough one to crack. (That made me happy when it probably shouldn't have.) Then I had one of those moments where you aren't really aware of the breakthrough you're making until the words have left your mouth. I told him part of the reason I don't like taking antidepressants is because taking a pill every morning makes me feel like I'm sick. Without missing a beat, he said that's okay.
(This next little bit is mostly just for me)
It's okay to be sick. It's okay to need help. I know I've said these things to other people before, but it's just as important for me to say them to myself. This struggle is not my identity, and it will help me better understand what others are going through.  
At the end of my appointment, I remember him saying it's okay...You'll take the Wellbutrin, and you'll feel better. I remember thinking, can it really be that simple? And then I had the thought, why wouldn't it be? I've only been taking this new pill for a few days, but haven't had any side effects, so maybe this is the boost I didn't want to admit I needed. I guess it can be that simple.

Updates and a craft

I really am so terrible at keeping this blog going. I apologize to anyone who actually waits for my posts here. My cooking blog on the other hand, feels like it's doing splendidly! Things lately haven't been super exciting, we've just been plugging along. I'm trying to figure out how to get where I want to be for my career, as is Husband. Grad school is very likely for both of us. Our lease for our apartment will be up this coming spring, so we've also been looking rather casually for a new place to live. It's looking like we'll land in a townhome, but exactly where is still TBD. Watson is still as adorable as ever. His new trick is to wake us up in the middle of the night by meowing a bunch for no apparent reason. Good thing he's cute.

Oh! How stupid of me! I almost forgot my sister and I decided to get crafty last week. We put vinyl stickers on those plastic pumpkins because I saw it on Etsy and thought that would be so easy to do yourself! I am not a crafty person. Like really, I'm not. I'm comfortable in the kitchen, and playing piano. Sometimes guitar. And singing in my car if I'm by myself. I can't craft worth squat, but that doesn't stop me from trying! I've learned to just keep the crafts simple. I thought this would be a really simple one. What I didn't think through was the fact that putting vinyl on a curved surface is a pain in the butt. I sat and smoothed bubbles only to have them reappear and then reappear again. The other thing we learned was that smaller pieces work better on your curved surface. My Tanner pumpkin with the spider has zero bubbles or folds. But the other two pumpkins do. Oh well. They're currently on our porch so no one can really inspect them closely. Ta da!