In my continued efforts to be transparent with my own journey with depression, I write this. Again I find myself hesitating, but my hope is reading about what I'm going through will help someone else. So here we go...
Originally when I went off the antidepressants, I really did feel great. I think part of it was the fact that I felt better about handling things on my own. I felt more in control of my feelings and my mind. But slowly, the pain came back. At first I didn't even recognize it for what it was, or that I really had slipped back down. The haunting thought kept coming to me that maybe I gave up on the medications too soon. The PA wanted to give me one more prescription-one that would work on dopamine, rather than serotonin. Clearly messing with serotonin was not the way to go for me. But I was scared. I was scared to mess with a different neurotransmitter. So I said I was ready to handle things on my own because I didn't want to find out what weird side effects could come. Messing with the chemicals in your brain is kind of a big deal. And I think deep down I knew this, but didn't want to admit it to myself.
So I started to look for different ailments that could explain why I felt crappy. In hindsight, I was rather messed up. But it was, and still is, extremely hard for me to admit when I need help. With the background I have, I know there's nothing to be ashamed of in needing antidepressants, but the proud part of me is one tough cookie to break. I know they can do a lot of good and help thousands of people but again, I was scared to let them work on me.
Eventually, though, I admitted defeat and landed in the PA's office yet again. He seemed almost as if he was enjoying me explaining my struggles. When I pointed this out to him, his response surprised me a bit. He said it was good to see me coming to terms with and accepting things. (At that moment I didn't realize that's what I was doing.) He said I was a tough one to crack. (That made me happy when it probably shouldn't have.) Then I had one of those moments where you aren't really aware of the breakthrough you're making until the words have left your mouth. I told him part of the reason I don't like taking antidepressants is because taking a pill every morning makes me feel like I'm sick. Without missing a beat, he said that's okay.
(This next little bit is mostly just for me)
It's okay to be sick. It's okay to need help. I know I've said these things to other people before, but it's just as important for me to say them to myself. This struggle is not my identity, and it will help me better understand what others are going through.
At the end of my appointment, I remember him saying it's okay...You'll take the Wellbutrin, and you'll feel better. I remember thinking, can it really be that simple? And then I had the thought, why wouldn't it be? I've only been taking this new pill for a few days, but haven't had any side effects, so maybe this is the boost I didn't want to admit I needed. I guess it can be that simple.
