Mommy shaming

After doing some reading today, something's stuck in my craw. Now I realize I'm not technically a mommy yet as my child is still in utero, but in a few months that will fly by faster than I'm ready for, this little peach will be in my arms. Here's what's been getting me. This phenomenon known as mommy shaming. I doubt I really need to describe exactly what it is. I figured I'd face plenty of unwanted advice when I found out I was pregnant, that's just part of becoming a parent, right? But now you're telling me I'm going to have other moms at the park look down on me for feeding my kid Goldfish crackers instead of some organic cheese snack from Trader Joe's? To try to implement a sleep schedule or not? Let baby cry it out or come running every time? And let's not even touch the breastfeeding argument. It's a total damned if you do, damned if you don't one in my book. People will be upset if I breastfeed in public, and yet other people will be offended if I choose to give my baby formula instead.

Good grief.

STOP.

Can we just...not? Can't we all just support each other in the incredibly difficult journey that is parenthood? I mean, I've already experienced some of this and I'm only four months pregnant!! Honestly, what good does it accomplish putting other people down just because they are doing this parenting thing differently than you? Different does not mean wrong. I feel like I need to repeat that. DIFFERENT DOES NOT MEAN WRONG. I feel like I'm going to need all the help I can get with Peach. The last thing I need when I ask for help is people telling me I'm doing things wrong. Luckily, Husband has been credibly supportive throughout all of this with my opinions about how to do handle certain things. And here I sit, typing this, antsy to actually voice my uncensored opinion about what will be best for us and Peach, as I don't want the backlash which I'm sure will come. Parents don't need to be told they're wrong or horrible people. Know why? Because they're doing the best they can with the situation that they are in. What parents need is support. Especially new and first time parents. We need support. We need people to tell us we're doing a good job, even when we're convinced we're not. And when we do ask for help, please listen to what we are saying and actually asking for.      

Wow

 I'm a bit in awe today. Lately I probably haven't been the most fun person to be around. No specific reason, really, I suppose I could blame it on pregnancy hormones, but I don't think that would be entirely fair. I had another doctor's appointment today and yesterday morning I had a bit of a meltdown because of how utterly terrified I am about everything pregnancy related. Having a tiny human completely dependent on me, all those lovely prenatal tests I'll have to go through, possibly finding out something is wrong at said doctor visit, the doctor not being able to find a heartbeat, labor, everything. (Major props to Husband for being so fantastic with me through all this.)
So this morning came despite my nerves, and I did my best to convince myself that everything was going to be fine. Really, there was no logical reason that it wouldn't be. Right? Right. One good thing about this office is I've never had to wait very long to be seen. Maybe 15 minutes at the most I'd guess. Of course with me being as nervous as I was, that wait seemed much longer than usual. But then the strangest thing happened. When the doctor did come in, I had to fight a huge grin. At first I figured it was because in my mind, he kind of looks like Martin Short. But now after having the majority of the day to reflect on the appointment, I'm thinking there was more to it than that. There was also this odd sense of relief, even though all he'd done so far was ask if I'd been having any problems.
Then it was time to try to hear peach's heartbeat for the first time on a doppler. Cue nerves again. Those first few moments while the doctor searched were spent with my eyes closed telling myself everything was okay. I guess peach was pretty wiggly. :) I wouldn't know, I'm not totally sure if the few little things I've felt here and there are peach yet.

And then there it was.  

It was amazing. I wish I had words for that feeling once there was no doubt in my mind what we were hearing was our little one; alive and strong. After that, I know I can handle this. Things are becoming more and more real. Answering one of my questions, the doctor mentioned when I'm in labor, and that was another moment of "holy crap this is really happening." For the rest of today, I've had this overwhelming sense of peace and confidence about the whole thing. Crazy how the thing that made me so nervous was exactly what I needed. And I am so so grateful that things have worked out with this doctor. Since we found out I was pregnant right after we moved, we didn't know how to find out about good doctors in the area. And we couldn't even keep my old one as she doesn't take the insurance offered by Husband's employer. So I printed off a list of providers in our area who take our insurance, did enough online research to make my head spin, and eventually just went with my gut, praying for the best. Thinking about it on my way home from work, we are putting an insane amount of trust in him. I mean, this is our first child, so we have no idea what we're doing. His hands are the first earthly ones that will touch peach, and do whatever may be needed if peach has some troubles getting here. And I've got to say, I am absolutely okay with that.
I can do this. I can have a good--no--a great pregnancy. I can have a baby and become a mommy.

Impressive

First of all, I can't believe it's already been another month. I have another doctor's appointment next week. My doctor's nice and I like him, and I like finding out everything really is okay with little peach, (that's what we're calling it for right now, I'll explain that in a minute) I still don't like doctor's appointments. Bleck. We're calling it peach because I sent Husband a screen shot of my What to Expect app earlier this week and it said our baby is the size of a peach. So Husband said he was going to start calling it baby peach. We still don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but the anticipation is making me nuts!! Gaaah!! We'll either find out sometime around Christmas or not until January-not sure I can wait that long.
Anyway! I do actually have something fairly intellectual to say this evening. I don't really want to get into specifics of what brought this to my mind, but I've been thinking about why we try so hard to impress others. Often it's people we've never even met. Now, I understand wanting to put your best foot forward, but to what extent? If we try too hard to put a great foot forward, do we eventually reach a point where we're not being ourselves?

I can't say I know the answer to that question, as it will likely vary from person to person. It's just something that's been on my mind lately. I wish I had some analytical thoughts as to the answer to this question, but honestly the original question I was going to write about isn't the one that came out as I sit here typing. I was originally going to write about why we feel the urge to do that, but even that was only a half baked idea. I guess at the end of the day, it's another example of how I really believe it is best to always just be yourself. Be real, and those who really deserve to be in your life will find a way to stay. And those who don't? Well, you'll find you're better off without them.      

Black Friday

Last night, I had my first experience with Black Friday shopping. Now I've gone shopping on Black Friday before, but never at the peak times of crowds and in search of that amazing deal. In my mind, no deal is worth risking getting trampled. But Husband's little sister works at Macy's and needed us to bring her caffeine around 10pm. So we went to Macy's and it actually wasn't very crowded at all. Some areas of the store were busier than others, but it was not at all as bad as I had expected. Then we decided to go on an adventure afterwards and go to Walmart. That was a bit crazier, but still not what I was bracing myself for. The electronics section was easily the busiest part of the store. We did actually get a great deal on a game Husband wanted, so I suppose it was worth it. I still can't say that it's going to become a new tradition. It was pretty amusing to see the insanely full carts people were toting around. I think the grand total for the person in front of us in the checkout was around $700. Yikes. I can't imagine spending that much in one sitting. But then again, she's probably completely done with her Christmas shopping now. Me? I've barely started. And I'm having troubles this year!! I have no idea what to get most people. And I know it's going to be Christmas before I can blink. I also have no good ideas of what to tell people I want. My copout answer is something baby related, but we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet. We might be able to find out right before Christmas, maybe. It all depends on what the doctor says at my appointment week after next. I can't believe it's already been another month. This pregnancy is already going so fast. And yet I still don't really look pregnant and it's making me nuts. I just look chunky and I have no idea how to dress this. I have maternity clothes, but they don't exactly look that great at this stage. Sigh...

And a slightly strange phenomenon I've noticed lately: people are starting to call me things like little mama and mom. I can't decide if it's cute or weird.  

My advice to you

I don't want to already break my determination to blog on Friday nights. But I've been sick. And being sick while you hit the peak nausea time of your first trimester sucks. Therefore, I am exhausted. So, this is my advice to you:

Don't get pregnant and then get a cold. 

Nighty night.

Baker Street

(When in doubt, title your blog post whatever song you're listening to at the moment)

I think I'm going to try to start blogging on Friday nights. I'm not totally sure of what to talk about tonight. I could talk about how Wayne Brady has recently come out speaking about his depression. Here's a link incase you missed it. A few thoughts went through my brain as I read his words. Firstly, only those who have gone through it can adequately describe what it feels like. Secondly, I truly commend and applaud him for publicly speaking about this issue. It needs to be discussed more openly if we are ever going to get rid of the stigma attached to depression--and many other mental illnesses. And I love love love what he said about not being happy all the time "because (he's) human." It seems like so often if we are sad, upset, depressed, or just having a rough few days, we may feel as if this isn't okay. But it is okay. I know I've said a lot of this before, so I won't keep going too much. But bravo to you, Wayne Brady, you're helping thousands you may never get to meet face to face.

Other musings I've been having as of late, in no particular order:

• Being too big for your regular clothes, but not quite big enough for maternity clothes is no bueno. Let's go ahead and get an actual bump so I can look pregnant and not just like I had too many fries.
• On that note, words like prego, preggers, preggy, etc etc MUST GO. Just say I'm pregnant. 
• Why does everyone assume that if you like Tom Hiddleston you must also like Benedict Cumberbatch? And vice versa. I know they're friends, but really...I won't go into all my thoughts, but come on. It is totally possible to like one and not the other. And I am not talking about thinking one or the other is attractive. 
• Really really please please please, Richie Sambora, come back to Bon Jovi. I may cry if this is the end of the dynamic duo of Richie and Jon. And that isn't just pregnancy hormones talking. I don't want to sound like a snob or like I'm bragging, but I've seen them live 3 times now and this most recent concert without Richie absolutely sounded different. Not necessarily bad, but it WAS different. You will not convince me otherwise.  
• WHY does EVERY Doctor Who fan I've ever met insist on making me watch it? Look, I don't like it. I've had enough exposure to the show to know I do not like it. Sorry, not sorry. Judge me, hate me, but it's just the truth. David Tennant is adorable, but please accept that I am a nerd in many ways, but not that one. It's kind of like this:

• Ice cold water is way better than just cold-ish water. To drink, that is.
• Christmas is already everywhere. Seriously?! Not okay. This time last week, I was taking my nephew trick or treating. Now Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays, but this is getting out of hand. I saw somewhere that stores are going to start Black Friday sales at 6pm Thanksgiving day. Which leads me to another point....
• What's the deal with Black Friday?! Don't get me wrong, I love a bargain just as much as the next person, but at what cost? Is it really worth it risking getting trampled and mauled all just to save some money? And how on earth can you think it's FUN?!?! Wow, just noticed my unintentional puns on that one. Haha, my bad. 

Wow, okay, maybe I should have called those things I don't understand rather than musings. Oh well.
 

Lately

I realized the other day that I've unintentionally neglected this blog lately. I guess that's what happens when you start a new full time job and find out you're pregnant all within just a few weeks. Woohoo!! Incase anyone missed it, I work in research now and yes, I am pregnant with our first. There's a part of me that still can't believe it's real. I mean, I've got the nausea, extreme fatigue, weird cravings, we saw the little bugger's heartbeat, (too early to hear it) and yet it still doesn't seem like it's really happening.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to use that Loki gif. Sue me. The psychology of Loki is a post that will have to come later. But oh, I've got my theories. Brace yourselves for that one. Anyway, I haven't had many psychological musings running through my mind lately. So if any of you have been awaiting more of those, I apologize. And it might be due to the fact that I only work with two other people. Well, sort of. The department I'm in only consists of the three of us, but there are lots more people within the entire company itself. In the beginning, I didn't technically apply for this position. I originally applied for a different position within the company, but at my interview I was told that this position had just opened up and I decided to just go with it. And lo and behold, the next day (or day after next, I can't remember for sure...yay pregnancy brain!) I got a phone call saying I got the job. That was a Friday, and I started the following Monday. Now that I've been there for roughly a month, I'm really happy I decided to change my direction slightly. My two coworkers are great, and don't mind when I ask hundreds of questions. It has been interesting though, that one of them will ask me about things we discuss, wanting to know how things look from a psychologist's point of view. This happens on a fairly regular basis. I don't mind it, in fact I really enjoy it when people want to discuss things from that angle.
I do have a fairly stupid theory based on my own observations about the study monitors. Specifically, this company conducts clinical drug trials. And periodically, a monitor from the sponsor site will come to our site to make sure things are running according to protocol. A source of endless frustration for my coworkers, myself as well, although not to the same degree, is the fact that the monitors will often request to have all the patient charts for their study at once, even though there is no way for them to look at all of them simultaneously. When the monitors have the patient charts, they cannot be entered into the electronic database, and oftentimes sponsors want this data within a very tight 48 hour window. So I have what I like to call The Preschooler Theory. Monitors are in the mindset of preschoolers: Mine! They're all mine and you can't have them even if I'm not looking at them because I might want them! It's like when a preschool kid is coloring and another one tries to take the yellow crayon the first one isn't using and the first one won't let them because they're all his and he might need it soon. Totally stupid, but it amuses me and my coworkers.

And that's what's been going on with me lately. I'm hoping to get back into this blog more soon. 

The real Marilyn

The other night I said something when Husband and I were talking that got me to thinking. I said that no one is perfectly happy all the time, and those who are likely are hiding something. So why do we do that? Why do we place pressure on those who might be struggling to just plaster a smile on their faces instead of acknowledging what they are really feeling? It's a strange standard that I've witnessed pressed upon others, as well as myself. Before I go any further, I would like to make one thing clear. I am not saying that all people who are always happy are hiding something. I am merely addressing the issue of why we sometimes hide those less than picturesque parts of ourselves when there isn't as much of a need to as we may believe.

We're told to smile in photographs, but is that our real selves? Photographs are designed to capture a person's essence, their personality, their memory. While being happy and smiling is a part of every person, it surely isn't the only part. And I personally do not see the harm in letting those parts show when needed. My favorite photographer, Richard Avedon, once had the opportunity to photograph the beautiful Marilyn Monroe. "For hours she danced and sang and flirted and did this thing that's-she did Marilyn Monroe. Avedon said about the experience. "Then there was the inevitable drop...she sat in the corner like a child, with everything gone. I wouldn't photograph her without her knowledge of it. And as I came with the camera, I saw that she was not saying no." When I first saw the image that came of this experience, I instantly loved it. Why? Because it is real. It is raw. It is not hiding anything. 

In the song "City of Blinding Lights" by U2, there is a lyric that says "Don't look before you laugh, look ugly in a photograph. Flash bulbs, purple irises the camera can't see...Can you see the beauty inside of me?" The beauty inside, I believe, is all too quickly hidden by the command to smile and "look happy". One of the people I met at Weber State a few years ago is without a doubt one of the happiest people I have ever encountered. Almost to the point of being frustrating. He never had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. He was a joy to be around, and it was only after I got close to him that I learned he had suffered from depression. It was fairly obvious to me that he had overcompensated and swung a bit too far in the other direction in an attempt to hide this malady. 

BUT WHY?!

Folks, depression is not something to be ashamed of. Please, do not be. This social pressure to always be happy and smile, while it may be well intentioned, can often cause people to feel worse about themselves and push them to put forth a persona that is not real. And that bothers me a bit. The connections with others we make from day to day have the potential to be so much deeper and rewarding if we are willing to show what we may be afraid to. Obviously there are instances where this would not be the best decision. But for most people, it is so refreshing to find when someone is unapologetic about who they are, and own their struggles. Own who you are, every last piece. After all, what kind of life are you likely to live if there is always something hiding? I will be very open with the world now and say that I also deal with depression. And I have come to terms with it. At first, I hid but I soon realized that was no way to live life. So I dealt with it as best I could. I am open and honest about it because more people need to be. It is a part of me and I have accepted it, and I am doing my best to use it to help those who may be in similar positions. Please, people, let's be more real with each other. Think of the meaningful conversations you can have, and the friendships that can be deepened. Isn't that worth at least giving it a try with someone you trust and care about? Because chances are if that person truly cares about you, they will reciprocate in a positive way. All I am asking for is for more of us to accept every part of ourselves and use our imperfections to help those who might be struggling. Do not throw common human decency out the window because I said to let your less than picturesque features be known, but at least don't try let them make you feel like less of a good person. The things you have been through shape your life, and without them we would all be emotionless robots. Realize that just because you may not be as bubbly and perky as someone else, it doesn't mean you have nothing to offer. Make your imperfections and quirks your advantage and watch as amazing things unfold before your eyes. 

After the Con

Well, I survived my first experience with Comic Con. I don't even know how to describe every aspect of it. Before I say anything, though, let me say amazing props to Dan Farr and all his team and all the volunteers who helped pull it off so well. Lines on Thursday were kind of crazy, but that is to be expected with the first day of such an event.
I probably shouldn't have started off with the Cary Elwes panel. (Then again, I can blame the scheduling people for that as his panel was Thursday at 3, so of course it would be the first thing I would go to.) Because after that, nothing compared in fantasticality. (Wow, I didn't think fantasticality was actually a word. Points for me!) Do I need to pause and tell you all who Cary Elwes is? As you wish... :D Recognize the name now? Westley in The Princess Bride, Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Men In Tights, and quite a few others, but those are the main ones in my mind.

Thanks to The Princess Bride, he was probably one of my first celebrity crushes. And it was pretty obvious I'm not alone in that. But anyway, what made his panel so glorious was the fact that it was so easy to tell he loves what he does. I love seeing that in people. He was funny, charismatic, and so genuinely kind to all the fans who asked questions. I wasn't planning on getting any autographs or photo ops, but after that, I absolutely would have at least gone to tell Cary he won a thousand awesome points in my book. But I didn't. I was still taking it all in on Thursday, I didn't want to go see him the day I was in cosplay (Friday), and we ended up not going on Saturday due to our move. Lesson learned.
I was kind of disappointed there were only about five people who recognized my cosplay, but then again, if you don't watch the show it was from, you probably wouldn't think I was wearing anything unique. I realize that, but still. It was kind of depressing. And to save anyone from asking, I went as Moriarty from the BBC's Sherlock. I even picked the outfit he wears when he's stealing the crown jewels as I thought it would be more identifiable than just a suit, which is what you see him in 95% of the time. Side note: yes, I've watched Sherlock and it wasn't half bad. No I am not, nor will I ever be, a Cumberbitch. That is all. I was surprised at the lack of Sherlock cosplays as all I ever heard about that show before I finally gave it a shot was how amazing it was and how much I'd love it. I liked it. It was good, but definitely not as wonderful as everyone told me it would be. But, my friends told me I'd make a good Moriarty and the cosplay came together in about five minutes. End discussion of my cosplay.
It was a lot of fun to see all the different cosplays and the different levels of skill associated with them. They definitely got better from Thursday to Friday and I bet there were a lot of excellent ones on Saturday as well. And it was kind of cool to be in a crowd of that many people who share the same affinities, it's not weird to tell a total stranger you like their costume or their t-shirt, and it's not weird to ask that same stranger for a picture. We had only been in the Con for two minutes or so when a guy who was cosplaying as Thor with a Loki kitten on his head walked past me. My friends and I were all wearing these shirts

so naturally he bent down and had me pet the Loki kitten. Not strange at all. Just being at Comic Con, there was this unspoken sense of camaraderie with the other attendees that I didn't expect. You didn't need to feel self conscious because the people there love the same things you do, no matter how strange they may be. So thank you to all who made the event possible, and I can't wait to do it all again in the spring.  

First Con

Well folks, Salt Lake Comic Con starts tomorrow and continues through Saturday. I've never been to a Comic Con, and there's a part of me that probably never thought I would. I kid you not, back in junior high and high school I thought Comic Con was a bunch of people (nerds) getting together to read comics and talk about them. Lame! But here I am, planning on going to all three days with Husband and some friends. Honestly I don't really know what to expect.
I know it will be crazy crowded. I know there will be celebrities and cosplayers and authors and artists. I know there will be panels. I know there will be stuff to buy. I know I probably won't be able to see and do all that I would like to.
And lucky for me, my favorite star will not be there. I know you're probably wondering why I say that's lucky for me. Why wouldn't I want a chance to get an autograph and/or picture with him? Well, here's the thing...I'm weird. Like seriously. I can be a total spaz sometimes. And I know in that instance I would probably lose all capability of having coherent thoughts, let alone forming words. That and there is a lot that I would like to say to him. (Although it's likely he's heard a great deal of it before coming from other fangirls.) Really, I don't even know what I would say. I know what I would want to say, but who knows what I would actually end up saying. Him: Hello, how are you? Me: Good....you're...I like you. Do you like....stuff? Hug me? *holds up camera* Picture? Or, I could just faint. That would be an awesome option too.

Maybe I'm wrong with this, I don't know, but I feel like Comic Con also wouldn't be the ideal place to meet your favorite star. The way I see it is you'd get very little time to interact with them. And it could feel a bit forced. Like I said, maybe I'm wrong on this, I have never been to one of these things before so I can't say from experience. I know this sounds so picky. Not only do I want to meet him, but in the perfect circumstances...I know it's extremely unlikely. I know.
Which brings me to my other point. In talking about meeting celebrities, who's to say that the version of them you have in your head is truly what they are actually like? The clips on youtube and interviews you see could all be just as much of an act as when they are on the big screen. Personally, I don't want my mental bubble to be burst. And yet totally conflicting to all of these things I've just said, I want to meet him. Oh heavens, I do. I would love to sit and discuss (translation: psychoanalyze) some of the different roles he's played in movies together. That would make all the different aspects of my inner nerd so incredibly happy. But the chances of that happening are astronomically small. Such is life.
So, back to what brought me to those thoughts, I shall go to Comic Con tomorrow, and I'm sure at least some aspects of my inner nerd will still be very happy. My inner nerd will become my outer nerd. And I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about it soon.      

Introductions

(Yes, I know I tried this whole blogging thing once before. But admittedly that one didn't have much substance.) 

This blog is going to be my sounding board for the thoughts that float around in my head with no place to go. Having graduated in psychology, I often find myself analyzing different aspects of life without any place to put them. So brace yourselves for that, some of the things I say may not make much sense. I will also very likely reference TV, movies, songs, celebrities, anything that suits my fancy. I am quite the nerd. Or would I be a geek? Nyeh, beside the point. 

So how did I come up with the title of this blog? Well, first nerdy thing you'll learn about me is that I adore Bon Jovi. "Into the Echo" is a bonus track on their most recent album, What About Now. You should go check it out. Seriously, I'll wait.

(Click here for le chanson)

Are you back? Good. I hope that song explains where I'm coming from with this blog. My thoughts, ideas, experiences, all that jazz. Sometimes I'll be philosophical and (hopefully) deep, other times I'll be talking about odd things like shoe shopping or my losing battle trying to teach myself a new song on the guitar. Who knows? I guess you could say I'll be like JD when he sums things up at the end of Scrubs episodes. My instinct here is to say I hope you like it. But honestly, this blog is mostly for me. If you want to read it and gain glimpses into my inner workings, great. If not, that's great too. But I will say this: last month, Husband and I went to visit some family in Sonoma County, CA. After we left, my cousin called my mom to make sure we really did in fact have a good time. And he told her something his wife said about me. She said this: "She's quiet, but when she opens her mouth, it's worth listening to."