Things I wish I didn't have to say

Going through something like I did gives you a different perspective on a lot of things that most people probably don't think twice about. Society's view of how to handle grieving, and "appropriate amount(s) of time" for healing are bogus. It's been two years. So logically, I should be all better. I should have no trouble going to friend's baby showers and seeing sonograms and gender announcements nearly every time I open social media. I can hold it together 95% of the time, so therefore I'm fine. Right?

WRONG.

I partially hate that I have to say this, but here I am. And here's the deal: I'm not okay with what happened. I don't think I ever will be. But I can handle it most of the time. I don't ask for sympathy or pity, just some understanding, and maybe a little more pause for thought. Having a child is something I want more than anything, and all those sonograms and gender announcements and shower invitations cut like knives. That being said, I do not want to throw all my time and resources into getting pregnant. In my opinion, that would just make me more unhappy and stressed, and just add to the pressure I already feel to pop out a kid. I don't want that endeavor to be the all consuming focus of our lives. So I started a master's program. Not just to take my mind off of things, but because it is something I want to do. I want to have a career, and maybe use my experiences to help others in similar situations. I would love for people to understand that. Yes, I want kids. Yes, it is difficult for me to deal with those around me having kids. But I don't feel like it is the right thing for me to throw everything at having a baby at this time. Sure, people say if there's something you don't like, do everything you can to change it. But not at the risk of my psychological and emotional health. I can't and won't do that.
On that note, I don't want advice. I don't want to know which doctor helped your cousin's best friend, or which supplement helped another person, or about your sister who tried for 10 years, or be told to see a specialist because clearly there's a problem. I'm working through this in my own way. Don't tell me to go see a therapist, I already have one. I've felt good about my decision to get my master's and what I'm doing multiple times, often to only have those feelings shot down by someone reminding me of my "true" calling. I know this may not make sense to some people. It doesn't necessarily have to. I just would love some understanding that this is how I'm dealing with the cards I was given, and it's not a bad way of doing so. Understand when I turn down an invitation to a baby shower or blessing, don't make me feel guilty. I do feel bad about not participating, but I know myself and those events would be too painful right now. I know that someday everything will be made right, and this chapter will have completely closed. But until then, I'm working through it as best I can and this is how I've chosen to do so. Please respect that and think before you speak or post.  

Closed book

I've been thinking a bit lately about this new culture of oversharing we seem to have now. I'm trying to understand the appeal and quite frankly, I'm not really getting anywhere. I can totally understand sharing big, important things, but what you had for lunch or what color your socks are isn't something that I would generally share. But incase you're wondering, my socks...haha kidding.
That saying of being an "open book" has also been floating about my thoughts composing this post. As far as I've understood it, being an open book is considered to be a good thing. Right? Someone like that is easy to get to know, and they'll tell you whatever you want to know. But in this time where we can see so many details of others' lives so easily, I'm not so sure I want to be a completely open book. I think I want to be closed.

Now, let me explain what I mean when I say that. I don't mean closed and kept behind locked chains like in this screen cap from Dr. Strange. I would like to be closed, but easily opened. At least when it comes to social media. I don't want every little detail about my likes and dislikes, and thoughts on certain subjects to be readily available without conversation. If there is something someone would like to know about me, I would much prefer to have a conversation, rather than them hopping online and doing a little digging. Social media can only paint a very one dimensional picture. Having to condense a long, deep discussion into a two or three sentence post is bound to misrepresent exactly what you want to say, and leave you (or at least me) feeling a bit dissatisfied. It's an illusion of being in touch. I may say that I'm super excited for Halloween because it's my favorite holiday, but not why Halloween is my favorite holiday. The depth is gone. You may know facts about me, but not the layers underneath them, and essentially, what makes me tick. And there are certain things that I wouldn't post on social media, but I would talk about if you were to ask me. Like exactly what miscarrying felt like physically. Or my thoughts on Piaget, Freud, and/or Maslow. Or why my absolute favorite quote from my favorite movie is what it is. And why that particular movie resonated so strongly with me when I first saw it.
Sure, there is some irony posting this on a blog, but I like giving people something to think about. We are all so complex and have so much more to us than social media allows us to share. So we resort to posting about things like sandwiches and doing the dishes and ultimately still feel lacking. The want to share and converse is real, but when actual conversation seems to be fading, we're left with less than our whole selves. So here's what I would like to ask of people: lean less on the person you appear to be online. Don't only post the big things online, talk about them with people when you're out to dinner. Don't worry so much if you haven't posted your daily update on Facebook or Twitter. Worry more if you haven't called or texted your best friend in a few days. Let's bring real conversation back. It feels so much better.