WRONG.
I partially hate that I have to say this, but here I am. And here's the deal: I'm not okay with what happened. I don't think I ever will be. But I can handle it most of the time. I don't ask for sympathy or pity, just some understanding, and maybe a little more pause for thought. Having a child is something I want more than anything, and all those sonograms and gender announcements and shower invitations cut like knives. That being said, I do not want to throw all my time and resources into getting pregnant. In my opinion, that would just make me more unhappy and stressed, and just add to the pressure I already feel to pop out a kid. I don't want that endeavor to be the all consuming focus of our lives. So I started a master's program. Not just to take my mind off of things, but because it is something I want to do. I want to have a career, and maybe use my experiences to help others in similar situations. I would love for people to understand that. Yes, I want kids. Yes, it is difficult for me to deal with those around me having kids. But I don't feel like it is the right thing for me to throw everything at having a baby at this time. Sure, people say if there's something you don't like, do everything you can to change it. But not at the risk of my psychological and emotional health. I can't and won't do that.
On that note, I don't want advice. I don't want to know which doctor helped your cousin's best friend, or which supplement helped another person, or about your sister who tried for 10 years, or be told to see a specialist because clearly there's a problem. I'm working through this in my own way. Don't tell me to go see a therapist, I already have one. I've felt good about my decision to get my master's and what I'm doing multiple times, often to only have those feelings shot down by someone reminding me of my "true" calling. I know this may not make sense to some people. It doesn't necessarily have to. I just would love some understanding that this is how I'm dealing with the cards I was given, and it's not a bad way of doing so. Understand when I turn down an invitation to a baby shower or blessing, don't make me feel guilty. I do feel bad about not participating, but I know myself and those events would be too painful right now. I know that someday everything will be made right, and this chapter will have completely closed. But until then, I'm working through it as best I can and this is how I've chosen to do so. Please respect that and think before you speak or post.
