Rant

Alright, there's something that I've got to say. I am so sick of those who have kids complaining about their kids. Now I know that not every parent does this, but those that do, SHUT UP. Look around you. Realize that maybe there are those close to you who would give anything to have what you do. Don't whine that you can't go see the movies you want to. Don't tell me you really really want a little girl while ignoring your beautiful boy, or vice versa. Don't tell me you're so sick of being pregnant, or whine that you feel like a whale. You know what?? I would have died to be in your situations. And I am not lying or exaggerating. The physical risks to me were very real, but I didn't care if I could just get our sweet Peach here. And that still didn't happen. I have a pile of unused baby clothes in a closet that I can hardly look at without getting teary, but oh I'm so sorry your child is keeping you from going out with friends. SHOVE IT, AND JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE THE BLESSING OF CHILDREN. It is so incredibly insulting and offensive to listen to you gripe about the one thing I want more than anything in the world and was denied. You have absolutely no sympathy from me.

I don't know why we as humans seem to have this fascination with and desire to only focus on the negative. But it is incredibly tiring. I know I'm guilty of this myself from time to time, but it doesn't change the fact that it's very draining. Instead of complaining about entirely first world problems, stop and look around and see the good things you do have. I know it's cliché, but for real, there are people out there who would give anything to have what you take for granted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go snap some pencils.

Motivation

Running 

A lot of the time, that word invokes unpleasant feelings for people. Memories of high school gym class and the dreaded mile run, feelings of breathlessness and exhaustion, and feeling completely blobbish instead of healthy-and running is supposed to help you feel healthy! I am definitely included in this group that groans when thinking of running. So why bother even going?
Personally, I've wanted to like running for years, but I've never really worked to actually achieve that goal. I've always envied those who go for runs to clear their minds and actually enjoy it. The summer before I got married, a friend and I did Jillian Michaels DVDs pretty religiously. And while those whipped our butts, running is so much more intense. For real, I would almost rather do burpees. Actually, no, probably not. Those are awful. Effective, but awful. Like running!!

I guess a fairly obvious reason to get out and run, and one that many people use, is to lose weight. And while that would be nice, that isn't my main motivator to get moving. I admit I'm not too pleased with my post baby body, but most everyone tells me I've lost the baby weight, so I guess I'm the only one who really sees the differences. Either way, I'm not letting it consume my mind as the ultimate goal of running. I feel like if I do, I'll be setting myself up to be disappointed. Sure, it would be amazing to look like those long and lean women, but I just don't think that will ever happen for me. And I'm not making excuses here. I'm simply saying I don't think I have the genes to get that body type. And guess what? I'm okay with that. By now you're probably really wondering if I'm actually going to answer my question of why run. Here are my reasons: (And full disclosure, this post is mostly for me to refer to when I lack motivation)  

• For my future babies. This is my main motivator. I want to be healthier for better pregnancies, and to be an example to my little ones.
• That glorious warm shower or bath afterwards
• To eventually learn to like it. I'm determined, dang it!
• To look better in my workout clothes
• To not feel guilty about that extra brownie
• To keep up with Husband
• To not feel self conscious buying workout clothes
• To have a natural anti-depressant
• To be proud of myself

While I'd like to have a longer list, this is where I'm starting out. And while this list is mainly for me, if it helps anyone else who may be reading and struggling with motivation, great!!  

Through hell and back

Well, I'm back. I'm not going to give all the details of where I've been on here for the entire world to read at leisure and judge. I will say that I miscarried and lost our first sweet daughter at 22 weeks gestation in early February. I still get a very real pain in my chest as I read and reread that sentence. If you want more details than that, ask me personally. I'm happy to share privately. If anything I've learned from this horrid experience can help someone else, I am more than happy to do so. But now I find myself in the all too familiar predicament of what I am to do with my life. Everyone has been telling me to take this time to take care of myself, and do whatever I want. Well, that's just it. I don't know what I want to do. At this moment I do know I would like to send out some thank yous:

Thank you to all our family and friends who have been incredibly supportive through this ordeal. It really means the world to us.

Thank you Dr. C for absolutely everything. I didn't think I'd get to have you back, but I did. And I am tremendously grateful for that.

Thank you to all my amazing nurses. You all are incredible women.

Thank you Billy Idol for your recent single, Can't Break Me Down. It's been my power song lately to remind myself that I can do this. (Judge away....)

Thank you Disneyland for being our reset button vacation spot.

I'm sure that I've forgotten someone or something, my apologies. Throughout the past few months, I've been told time and time again that I am a strong woman. I'm doing my best to remind myself of that and focus on my inner strength. And I guess ultimately, that's what I want to do with my life. For others, not necessarily myself. I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. There are lots of different options out there. For now, I guess I'll use this blog.