I'm a bit in awe today. Lately I probably haven't been the most fun person to be around. No specific reason, really, I suppose I could blame it on pregnancy hormones, but I don't think that would be entirely fair. I had another doctor's appointment today and yesterday morning I had a bit of a meltdown because of how utterly terrified I am about everything pregnancy related. Having a tiny human completely dependent on me, all those lovely prenatal tests I'll have to go through, possibly finding out something is wrong at said doctor visit, the doctor not being able to find a heartbeat, labor, everything. (Major props to Husband for being so fantastic with me through all this.)
So this morning came despite my nerves, and I did my best to convince myself that everything was going to be fine. Really, there was no logical reason that it wouldn't be. Right? Right. One good thing about this office is I've never had to wait very long to be seen. Maybe 15 minutes at the most I'd guess. Of course with me being as nervous as I was, that wait seemed much longer than usual. But then the strangest thing happened. When the doctor did come in, I had to fight a huge grin. At first I figured it was because in my mind, he kind of looks like Martin Short. But now after having the majority of the day to reflect on the appointment, I'm thinking there was more to it than that. There was also this odd sense of relief, even though all he'd done so far was ask if I'd been having any problems.
Then it was time to try to hear peach's heartbeat for the first time on a doppler. Cue nerves again. Those first few moments while the doctor searched were spent with my eyes closed telling myself everything was okay. I guess peach was pretty wiggly. :) I wouldn't know, I'm not totally sure if the few little things I've felt here and there are peach yet.
And then there it was.
It was amazing. I wish I had words for that feeling once there was no doubt in my mind what we were hearing was our little one; alive and strong. After that, I know I can handle this. Things are becoming more and more real. Answering one of my questions, the doctor mentioned when I'm in labor, and that was another moment of "holy crap this is really happening." For the rest of today, I've had this overwhelming sense of peace and confidence about the whole thing. Crazy how the thing that made me so nervous was exactly what I needed. And I am so so grateful that things have worked out with this doctor. Since we found out I was pregnant right after we moved, we didn't know how to find out about good doctors in the area. And we couldn't even keep my old one as she doesn't take the insurance offered by Husband's employer. So I printed off a list of providers in our area who take our insurance, did enough online research to make my head spin, and eventually just went with my gut, praying for the best. Thinking about it on my way home from work, we are putting an insane amount of trust in him. I mean, this is our first child, so we have no idea what we're doing. His hands are the first earthly ones that will touch peach, and do whatever may be needed if peach has some troubles getting here. And I've got to say, I am absolutely okay with that.
I can do this. I can have a good--no--a great pregnancy. I can have a baby and become a mommy.
