The movie is Only Lovers Left Alive, and really truly, I love it. Maybe someday I'll do a post about it. Plus, this scene has Tom Hiddleston dancing. Hello swoon!! (This was the only clip I could find with Tilda's speech before they dance, which I also love, so I apologize for the subtitles.)
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Still here
It's been two months since I've posted. My bad, I'm terrible at blogging. Well, blogging here. I've been really good at keeping up with my cooking blog if I do say so myself. Anyway, since this blog is insights into my thoughts and feelings and things I like, here's what is easily my favorite scene in my favorite movie:
The movie is Only Lovers Left Alive, and really truly, I love it. Maybe someday I'll do a post about it. Plus, this scene has Tom Hiddleston dancing. Hello swoon!! (This was the only clip I could find with Tilda's speech before they dance, which I also love, so I apologize for the subtitles.)
The movie is Only Lovers Left Alive, and really truly, I love it. Maybe someday I'll do a post about it. Plus, this scene has Tom Hiddleston dancing. Hello swoon!! (This was the only clip I could find with Tilda's speech before they dance, which I also love, so I apologize for the subtitles.)
Friday, June 26, 2015
Rise, my fallen angel
The past week has been really interesting to me. I'm hesitant sitting here at our kitchen table, wanting to post something (in my mind) quite bold. But, I did say if my experiences can help someone else, I'm happy to share. So on that note, here we go. This will be very open and raw.
After losing our darling Peach, I was given antidepressants. I didn't ask for them specifically, my OB offered a prescription and Husband thought they could help. I figured he saw how I was doing more clearly than I saw myself. After some hesitancy, I decided it would be okay for me to take them. This was a big deal for me. While I feel that I've struggled with depression long before this whole thing, I always prided myself on being able to handle it on my own. I didn't want to have to rely on a pill messing with my serotonin or dopamine levels. But, ultimately I took them. And at first I wasn't sure if they were helping. I knew they were working, as I had lovely side effects like headaches and dizziness. I was Leslie Knope on flu medicine.
Shortly after Dr. C gave me my prescription, (Zoloft, to be specific) Husband went to a family PA for reasons of his own that aren't mine to share. I came with because he asked me to. And for the sake of not having a ridiculously long blog post we'll skip to this: the PA suggested switching medications for me since I wasn't feeling like myself. I wasn't sure I wanted to. It scared me. I was already playing with neurotransmitters, and I wasn't sure I wanted to change, for fear of how I might feel. I can't really explain specifically what scared me, but I waited a few months while the PA's suggestion haunted me and eventually bit the bullet. Side note here: I do not like going to the doctor. Nope nope nope. I adore my OB, but I would still get nervous before every appointment. I also really like this PA, but again, I still get nervous every time I go. But anyway, the PA gave me Prozac. This made me feel pretty crappy, as I was hoping he would give me the okay to go off the antidepressants entirely. I gave it a shot with the Prozac, unsure if the fact that I was feeling slightly better was due to the medications or just time passing. It was late May at this point. I really wanted to feel better, but I was still having some side effects. So I gave the office a call, and my medication changed again to Celexa. This really didn't make me happy. My poor brain probably didn't know what hit it. With no relief of the side effects, I went to see the PA to say I'm done with antidepressants. And wonderfully, he listened and thought I was at a good point to see how I did taking everything out of my system.
So this week has been my first with no meds. And you know what? I feel amazing. I did it, guys!!! Looking back now, I don't feel the same sadness I did. The situation still sucks out loud, but I have this renewed sense of strength. It's somewhat difficult to explain. The title of this post comes from a song by Bon Jovi. (Really, are you that surprised? If I ever get to meet that man, I will give him a huge hug and say thank you. And probably cry. Then ask him to sign my guitar.) The song is called Brokenpromiseland and it comes from The Circle album. The full bridge says "Rise, my fallen angel. Come on, now. Shine, don't let them break you." Check it out if you'd like, it's one of my favorites from that album. But I remember so many people telling me I'm a strong woman when I was in the hospital, and at the time I didn't get it. I didn't see it. I was sitting on the edge of my hospital bed crying out of fear, not pain, as I got my epidural. Supposedly the anesthesiologist told my mom I'm a very strong girl afterwards, but again, I didn't feel it. Now I do. And it's fantastic. While my life at this moment is far from perfect, and not at all where I thought it would be at this time, dare I say it? I'm happy. Something the PA said when I was explaining how I'd much rather be doing the analyzing than be analyzed kind of smacked me upside the head. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but you know how sometimes things finally get through to where they're supposed to and smack you? That's what it was. He said that sometimes we need to be on this side of the table (gesturing to where I was sitting) and that's okay.
We can't (I can't) help others until we first help ourselves. And I now feel like I've done that, and I'm much more prepared to help those around me. It's not selfish. I'm not ashamed of my story and the things that I did to get to this point. I want nothing more than to use this strength to help those who may be feeling the things that I've felt, and really can't be understood unless you've been there yourself. And because I feel like songs say the things that I want to better than I can about 90% of the time, I'm going to end this post with another Bon Jovi song. Same album, but this one's called Learn to Love. It's helped me through many difficult times, not just this most recent one. Please take a few minutes to listen to it. From my heart.
After losing our darling Peach, I was given antidepressants. I didn't ask for them specifically, my OB offered a prescription and Husband thought they could help. I figured he saw how I was doing more clearly than I saw myself. After some hesitancy, I decided it would be okay for me to take them. This was a big deal for me. While I feel that I've struggled with depression long before this whole thing, I always prided myself on being able to handle it on my own. I didn't want to have to rely on a pill messing with my serotonin or dopamine levels. But, ultimately I took them. And at first I wasn't sure if they were helping. I knew they were working, as I had lovely side effects like headaches and dizziness. I was Leslie Knope on flu medicine.
So this week has been my first with no meds. And you know what? I feel amazing. I did it, guys!!! Looking back now, I don't feel the same sadness I did. The situation still sucks out loud, but I have this renewed sense of strength. It's somewhat difficult to explain. The title of this post comes from a song by Bon Jovi. (Really, are you that surprised? If I ever get to meet that man, I will give him a huge hug and say thank you. And probably cry. Then ask him to sign my guitar.) The song is called Brokenpromiseland and it comes from The Circle album. The full bridge says "Rise, my fallen angel. Come on, now. Shine, don't let them break you." Check it out if you'd like, it's one of my favorites from that album. But I remember so many people telling me I'm a strong woman when I was in the hospital, and at the time I didn't get it. I didn't see it. I was sitting on the edge of my hospital bed crying out of fear, not pain, as I got my epidural. Supposedly the anesthesiologist told my mom I'm a very strong girl afterwards, but again, I didn't feel it. Now I do. And it's fantastic. While my life at this moment is far from perfect, and not at all where I thought it would be at this time, dare I say it? I'm happy. Something the PA said when I was explaining how I'd much rather be doing the analyzing than be analyzed kind of smacked me upside the head. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but you know how sometimes things finally get through to where they're supposed to and smack you? That's what it was. He said that sometimes we need to be on this side of the table (gesturing to where I was sitting) and that's okay.
We can't (I can't) help others until we first help ourselves. And I now feel like I've done that, and I'm much more prepared to help those around me. It's not selfish. I'm not ashamed of my story and the things that I did to get to this point. I want nothing more than to use this strength to help those who may be feeling the things that I've felt, and really can't be understood unless you've been there yourself. And because I feel like songs say the things that I want to better than I can about 90% of the time, I'm going to end this post with another Bon Jovi song. Same album, but this one's called Learn to Love. It's helped me through many difficult times, not just this most recent one. Please take a few minutes to listen to it. From my heart.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
No day but today
I watched the movie Rent for the first time in a few years last weekend. Ever since then I've had songs and bits of the show running through my mind. Not complaining one single bit. I adore that show and its music and its message. (If you only know Rent by Seasons of Love, you're missing out.) Rent is also packed full of incredible talent. I believe the stage version came before the movie, and these people are phenomenal. Musicians first, actors second. Not like the Les Mis movie that came out a few years ago-actors first, musicians second (if you're lucky). Ugh. Les Mis is one of my favorite musicals and I think that movie did it a huge disservice. But, I won't go into that rant here. Generally I really like musicals, but only six have made it to my highly exclusive list of favorites. Rent's on that list as well, so now you know two of the six. Maybe one day I'll explain that list, but I digress.
To me, Rent screams acceptance of everyone, regardless of their outward appearances, sexual preference, past mistakes or experiences. This is something I wish we had more of as a people. I've run into too many people who judge an individual based on what they see before they even get to know them. And it drives me nuts. You know what? Those people with piercings, tattoos, and/or crazy hair are some of the nicest and most accepting people you will ever meet; at least in my experience. The ways they've chosen to express themselves outwardly does not make them bad people or freaks. Let's look at the characters in Rent: we've got a lesbian couple, two straight guys, a straight girl who works at a strip club for a living, a drag queen, and another gay guy who ends up in a relationship with said drag queen. A few of them have AIDS. One is fighting a drug addiction. Are any of them bad people? No. Heck, one of the cutest love songs I've ever heard is in Rent, and it's sung by two men. All these people come together and form their own version of a family and accept each other despite their pasts and flaws. How I wish more people did this. How quick we are to judge and condemn a person based on one little detail about them, ignoring all else. Folks, when we do that, we are missing out on some amazing relationships.
I'm not trying to be preachy, so I apologize if I'm coming off that way. This is just something I'm very passionate about. Just please, let's try to be a little more accepting and loving of everyone. Many people are fighting demons we know nothing about. Take a moment to get to know someone a little more and your life will become so much richer.
I wanted to post one of the songs from the musical to show how wonderfully brilliant it is, but it is so hard to choose! Ultimately, I decided to showcase a very simple one. Background to the song is that the people in the circle singing have AIDS and are at an AIDS support group. Musically, it is so simple. It's just a round. Four lines. Yet it gets me teary every time. That right there speaks for how powerful the rest of the songs in the show are.
And, since I don't want to leave things on a somewhat sad note, (haha pun) here's Seasons of Love. (Check out the crazy high note at 2:55!!)
To me, Rent screams acceptance of everyone, regardless of their outward appearances, sexual preference, past mistakes or experiences. This is something I wish we had more of as a people. I've run into too many people who judge an individual based on what they see before they even get to know them. And it drives me nuts. You know what? Those people with piercings, tattoos, and/or crazy hair are some of the nicest and most accepting people you will ever meet; at least in my experience. The ways they've chosen to express themselves outwardly does not make them bad people or freaks. Let's look at the characters in Rent: we've got a lesbian couple, two straight guys, a straight girl who works at a strip club for a living, a drag queen, and another gay guy who ends up in a relationship with said drag queen. A few of them have AIDS. One is fighting a drug addiction. Are any of them bad people? No. Heck, one of the cutest love songs I've ever heard is in Rent, and it's sung by two men. All these people come together and form their own version of a family and accept each other despite their pasts and flaws. How I wish more people did this. How quick we are to judge and condemn a person based on one little detail about them, ignoring all else. Folks, when we do that, we are missing out on some amazing relationships.
I'm not trying to be preachy, so I apologize if I'm coming off that way. This is just something I'm very passionate about. Just please, let's try to be a little more accepting and loving of everyone. Many people are fighting demons we know nothing about. Take a moment to get to know someone a little more and your life will become so much richer.
I wanted to post one of the songs from the musical to show how wonderfully brilliant it is, but it is so hard to choose! Ultimately, I decided to showcase a very simple one. Background to the song is that the people in the circle singing have AIDS and are at an AIDS support group. Musically, it is so simple. It's just a round. Four lines. Yet it gets me teary every time. That right there speaks for how powerful the rest of the songs in the show are.
And, since I don't want to leave things on a somewhat sad note, (haha pun) here's Seasons of Love. (Check out the crazy high note at 2:55!!)
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Divergent, Insurgent, Urgent...Detergent?
Earlier today, I saw something from someone who said they didn't like the new Avengers movie. This is the first negative response to the movie I have seen. To this person, it was more of the same. This got me thinking and the gears in my head turning. Obviously, it shares many things with the first Avengers movie, but that's to be expected--Age of Ultron is a sequel. The trend that I'm seeing way too much of (in my opinion) in movies is the post apocalyptic end of days type movies. Movies where a supreme force, usually the government, is trying to create a utopia and suppresses everyone--except for our heroic main character. Our main character does not fall prey to these collectivist ideas and ultimately breaks down the corrupt leadership. The message is always the same. Break away from the mindless crowd and fight the oppression of authority. I'm not saying these movies are bad, I've enjoyed some of them, however it is getting old. So the question I'm always asking myself is why? Why are these movies doing so well? Why do we seem to respond so well to them?
I have a few different ideas floating in my head as to why this is the case right now. Firstly and simply, Hollywood is out of ideas. They're remaking almost anything they can think of (we're on round 3 of Spiderman movies for crap's sake) for lack of new fresh ideas. And these movies have done well, so might as well try to get as much money out of the idea as they can.
Or, we as a population are fed up with the government and those in authority. I can't speak for everyone, and I'm definitely not trying to, but there does seem to be an increase in these attitudes. We see a lot of examples of this through the media, and I don't feel the need to rehash them here.
Running along the same path of our frustration with authority is the inner desire to rebel and fight back. But we've all been taught that if you fight against government and laws, you often end up in jail and possibly even killed depending on the severity of your offense. That's where these movies come in. The main characters in these movies go against rules and laws and don't get punished. In fact, usually the opposite happens. They are praised and given anything their hearts could desire and the world is healed and wonderful again. We can live vicariously through characters like Triss Prior (Divergent) and Jonas (The Giver). Quick side note-I know The Giver has been a book long long before it was made into a movie, and long before the Divergent series was written, it's just an example that came to mind quickly. We can feel like our desires have been fulfilled without doing anything that may get us into sticky situations. And who doesn't like to see good prevailing over evil? Even I do, even though I do love me a good villain. More on that in another post. And it's uplifting to see the "power of one" put into action. Oftentimes we can feel as though just one person could never make a difference in this world and it can be nice to see those feelings proven wrong.
Not to mention these movies tend to have a very strong sense of individuality, and we are all looking for something to set us apart from the pack. Whether it's a talent, a tattoo, a piercing, hair color, or different way of performing a common task. We all want to be seen as different from the crowd, yet not so different that we are no longer part of the crowd. The crowd is comfort. Assuming those in the crowd share generally the same thoughts and feelings as you do. And in these movies, the crowd has become so enmeshed that individuality becomes virtually non existent. Eventually that one person pushes back and we get a blockbuster. That one person shows us it's okay to be different and not be afraid to entirely be ourselves because in the end, it is what will save the world. The similarities between these types of movies and superhero movies is not lost on me, I know I mentioned The Avengers at the beginning of this post. But I'm not going to dive into those now, maybe in a later post. Until then, hopefully I got you thinking just a little bit. :)
I have a few different ideas floating in my head as to why this is the case right now. Firstly and simply, Hollywood is out of ideas. They're remaking almost anything they can think of (we're on round 3 of Spiderman movies for crap's sake) for lack of new fresh ideas. And these movies have done well, so might as well try to get as much money out of the idea as they can.
Or, we as a population are fed up with the government and those in authority. I can't speak for everyone, and I'm definitely not trying to, but there does seem to be an increase in these attitudes. We see a lot of examples of this through the media, and I don't feel the need to rehash them here.
Running along the same path of our frustration with authority is the inner desire to rebel and fight back. But we've all been taught that if you fight against government and laws, you often end up in jail and possibly even killed depending on the severity of your offense. That's where these movies come in. The main characters in these movies go against rules and laws and don't get punished. In fact, usually the opposite happens. They are praised and given anything their hearts could desire and the world is healed and wonderful again. We can live vicariously through characters like Triss Prior (Divergent) and Jonas (The Giver). Quick side note-I know The Giver has been a book long long before it was made into a movie, and long before the Divergent series was written, it's just an example that came to mind quickly. We can feel like our desires have been fulfilled without doing anything that may get us into sticky situations. And who doesn't like to see good prevailing over evil? Even I do, even though I do love me a good villain. More on that in another post. And it's uplifting to see the "power of one" put into action. Oftentimes we can feel as though just one person could never make a difference in this world and it can be nice to see those feelings proven wrong.
Not to mention these movies tend to have a very strong sense of individuality, and we are all looking for something to set us apart from the pack. Whether it's a talent, a tattoo, a piercing, hair color, or different way of performing a common task. We all want to be seen as different from the crowd, yet not so different that we are no longer part of the crowd. The crowd is comfort. Assuming those in the crowd share generally the same thoughts and feelings as you do. And in these movies, the crowd has become so enmeshed that individuality becomes virtually non existent. Eventually that one person pushes back and we get a blockbuster. That one person shows us it's okay to be different and not be afraid to entirely be ourselves because in the end, it is what will save the world. The similarities between these types of movies and superhero movies is not lost on me, I know I mentioned The Avengers at the beginning of this post. But I'm not going to dive into those now, maybe in a later post. Until then, hopefully I got you thinking just a little bit. :)
Friday, April 24, 2015
Rant
Alright, there's something that I've got to say. I am so sick of those who have kids complaining about their kids. Now I know that not every parent does this, but those that do, SHUT UP. Look around you. Realize that maybe there are those close to you who would give anything to have what you do. Don't whine that you can't go see the movies you want to. Don't tell me you really really want a little girl while ignoring your beautiful boy, or vice versa. Don't tell me you're so sick of being pregnant, or whine that you feel like a whale. You know what?? I would have died to be in your situations. And I am not lying or exaggerating. The physical risks to me were very real, but I didn't care if I could just get our sweet Peach here. And that still didn't happen. I have a pile of unused baby clothes in a closet that I can hardly look at without getting teary, but oh I'm so sorry your child is keeping you from going out with friends. SHOVE IT, AND JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE THE BLESSING OF CHILDREN. It is so incredibly insulting and offensive to listen to you gripe about the one thing I want more than anything in the world and was denied. You have absolutely no sympathy from me.
I don't know why we as humans seem to have this fascination with and desire to only focus on the negative. But it is incredibly tiring. I know I'm guilty of this myself from time to time, but it doesn't change the fact that it's very draining. Instead of complaining about entirely first world problems, stop and look around and see the good things you do have. I know it's cliché, but for real, there are people out there who would give anything to have what you take for granted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go snap some pencils.
I don't know why we as humans seem to have this fascination with and desire to only focus on the negative. But it is incredibly tiring. I know I'm guilty of this myself from time to time, but it doesn't change the fact that it's very draining. Instead of complaining about entirely first world problems, stop and look around and see the good things you do have. I know it's cliché, but for real, there are people out there who would give anything to have what you take for granted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go snap some pencils.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Motivation
Running
A lot of the time, that word invokes unpleasant feelings for people. Memories of high school gym class and the dreaded mile run, feelings of breathlessness and exhaustion, and feeling completely blobbish instead of healthy-and running is supposed to help you feel healthy! I am definitely included in this group that groans when thinking of running. So why bother even going?
Personally, I've wanted to like running for years, but I've never really worked to actually achieve that goal. I've always envied those who go for runs to clear their minds and actually enjoy it. The summer before I got married, a friend and I did Jillian Michaels DVDs pretty religiously. And while those whipped our butts, running is so much more intense. For real, I would almost rather do burpees. Actually, no, probably not. Those are awful. Effective, but awful. Like running!!
I guess a fairly obvious reason to get out and run, and one that many people use, is to lose weight. And while that would be nice, that isn't my main motivator to get moving. I admit I'm not too pleased with my post baby body, but most everyone tells me I've lost the baby weight, so I guess I'm the only one who really sees the differences. Either way, I'm not letting it consume my mind as the ultimate goal of running. I feel like if I do, I'll be setting myself up to be disappointed. Sure, it would be amazing to look like those long and lean women, but I just don't think that will ever happen for me. And I'm not making excuses here. I'm simply saying I don't think I have the genes to get that body type. And guess what? I'm okay with that. By now you're probably really wondering if I'm actually going to answer my question of why run. Here are my reasons: (And full disclosure, this post is mostly for me to refer to when I lack motivation)
A lot of the time, that word invokes unpleasant feelings for people. Memories of high school gym class and the dreaded mile run, feelings of breathlessness and exhaustion, and feeling completely blobbish instead of healthy-and running is supposed to help you feel healthy! I am definitely included in this group that groans when thinking of running. So why bother even going?
Personally, I've wanted to like running for years, but I've never really worked to actually achieve that goal. I've always envied those who go for runs to clear their minds and actually enjoy it. The summer before I got married, a friend and I did Jillian Michaels DVDs pretty religiously. And while those whipped our butts, running is so much more intense. For real, I would almost rather do burpees. Actually, no, probably not. Those are awful. Effective, but awful. Like running!!
I guess a fairly obvious reason to get out and run, and one that many people use, is to lose weight. And while that would be nice, that isn't my main motivator to get moving. I admit I'm not too pleased with my post baby body, but most everyone tells me I've lost the baby weight, so I guess I'm the only one who really sees the differences. Either way, I'm not letting it consume my mind as the ultimate goal of running. I feel like if I do, I'll be setting myself up to be disappointed. Sure, it would be amazing to look like those long and lean women, but I just don't think that will ever happen for me. And I'm not making excuses here. I'm simply saying I don't think I have the genes to get that body type. And guess what? I'm okay with that. By now you're probably really wondering if I'm actually going to answer my question of why run. Here are my reasons: (And full disclosure, this post is mostly for me to refer to when I lack motivation)
- For my future babies. This is my main motivator. I want to be healthier for better pregnancies, and to be an example to my little ones.
- That glorious warm shower or bath afterwards
- To eventually learn to like it. I'm determined, dang it!
- To look better in my workout clothes
- To not feel guilty about that extra brownie
- To keep up with Husband
- To not feel self conscious buying workout clothes
- To have a natural anti-depressant
- To be proud of myself
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Through hell and back
Well, I'm back. I'm not going to give all the details of where I've been on here for the entire world to read at leisure and judge. I will say that I miscarried and lost our first sweet daughter at 22 weeks gestation in early February. I still get a very real pain in my chest as I read and reread that sentence. If you want more details than that, ask me personally. I'm happy to share privately. If anything I've learned from this horrid experience can help someone else, I am more than happy to do so. But now I find myself in the all too familiar predicament of what I am to do with my life. Everyone has been telling me to take this time to take care of myself, and do whatever I want. Well, that's just it. I don't know what I want to do. At this moment I do know I would like to send out some thank yous:
Thank you to all our family and friends who have been incredibly supportive through this ordeal. It really means the world to us.
Thank you Dr. C for absolutely everything. I didn't think I'd get to have you back, but I did. And I am tremendously grateful for that.
Thank you to all my amazing nurses. You all are incredible women.
Thank you Billy Idol for your recent single, Can't Break Me Down. It's been my power song lately to remind myself that I can do this. (Judge away....)
Thank you Disneyland for being our reset button vacation spot.
I'm sure that I've forgotten someone or something, my apologies. Throughout the past few months, I've been told time and time again that I am a strong woman. I'm doing my best to remind myself of that and focus on my inner strength. And I guess ultimately, that's what I want to do with my life. For others, not necessarily myself. I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. There are lots of different options out there. For now, I guess I'll use this blog.
Thank you to all our family and friends who have been incredibly supportive through this ordeal. It really means the world to us.
Thank you Dr. C for absolutely everything. I didn't think I'd get to have you back, but I did. And I am tremendously grateful for that.
Thank you to all my amazing nurses. You all are incredible women.
Thank you Billy Idol for your recent single, Can't Break Me Down. It's been my power song lately to remind myself that I can do this. (Judge away....)
Thank you Disneyland for being our reset button vacation spot.
I'm sure that I've forgotten someone or something, my apologies. Throughout the past few months, I've been told time and time again that I am a strong woman. I'm doing my best to remind myself of that and focus on my inner strength. And I guess ultimately, that's what I want to do with my life. For others, not necessarily myself. I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. There are lots of different options out there. For now, I guess I'll use this blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)